On Keeping Calm and Goodbyes

The big move is in a little over two days. The husband says he’s already starting to feel excited. I, however, am the exact opposite. Maybe it’s because of the gazillion errands and meet ups we have to do. Even the countless dinners with friends don’t really feel like good-bye.

Thank goodness, the husband is getting assigned somewhere near. I won’t have to miss friends and family in Manila too much as we will only be a couple of hours away and we’ll definitely get a ton of visitors all year round. Even family from Europe (though they’ll have to fly for about 12-14 hours direct) are already talking about coming over this year and early next. I’m not even anxious. I should be, right? I SHOULD feel something.

But there’s nothing. No heart thumping, no squealing, no smiling at the thought of flying out this Wednesday and starting out a sort-of-new life with the husband in a new place. It reminds me of our wedding in October. This was exactly how I was. Normal. Normal despite the upcoming life-changing event. While other brides all over the world were screaming, dancing, and getting all giddy just days and hours before their wedding, I was surprisingly calm. I was looking forward to marrying Alvin, the love of my life, and spending the rest of my life with him but somehow, I wasn’t as emotional as how a normal bride should be. On my wedding day, as I walked down the aisle, the dam holding off all my emotions broke and I had a wave of panic attacks (which weren’t that obvious, thank goodness) as several levels of happiness, excitement and a tinge of sadness because I won’t be living with my lola (grandmother) anymore went through my nerves.

I ended up crying during our vows because I was extremely happy and giddy. I know, it’s crazy. Okay, back to present day. It would be very awkward if something similar will happen this Wednesday. Come to think of it, I actually cry a lot in airports. The worst was in 2008 during a short meet-up with my Mom in Schiphol while I was on my way to Tel Aviv. That’s another story. Point is: I hate crying in public though I end up doing that a lot before. I’ve actually gotten pretty good in holding my tears back by now. But I’m really emotional when it comes to my grandparents.

So there’s a 70/30 chance I might end up bawling my eyes out this Wednesday as I say goodbye to them. Growing up, I spent most of my time with them. By the time I was in college, it was I who’s been doing a lot of looking after. They’re still strong for their age, mind you. And we’ll only be a couple of hours away. However, I will not be able to stop myself from worrying more over them because I’m in another country. Which is so different from being in just another city! (Cities in the Philippines, particularly in Metro Manila, are like literally right next to each other – unlike in Europe)

My lola cries a lot. If she starts crying at the airport, I’m gonna end up doing my tough-cookie act and pretend that I’m annoyed she’s crying. Or maybe I will cry too. Which will be awkward-er. And embarrassing. You see, I handle awkward situations like that in two ways – either I end up crying too or I start acting mad (This is a very effective tactic for hiding your tears). I have a hard time coping and very unpredictable, to be honest. I can’t even predict my own reactions. So there’s a possibility that I might cook up something new this Wednesday. So yes, it still bothers me that I am THIS calm. I thought that “Hey, maybe if I write about it, it will make me feel something and will lessen the blow on Wednesday!” Nope, still nothing. And it’s not just my grandparents. Leaving my friends behind will also be very sad.

My husband is confident that I will make friends in our home-for-the-next-six-years in no time due to my personality. But there’s just no stopping me missing my friends. While I love meeting new people and find excitement in getting to know and starting the friendship process from scratch, I also love how my good-old friends get me like we’re lovers of sorts. A look is enough to let one of them know that I’m already cooking up something crazy in my head. The laughs, the stories, won’t really be the same even if they’re told via Skype or Viber. But I have faith that we’ll make this work. If couples can do LDR, so can we! I know for a fact that I’m looking forward to my new adventure with Alvin. It’s like we’ll be re-starting our lives from scratch. It will be hard, but I’m looking forward to the challenges and happy times we’ll be having. It’s gonna be like a six-year honeymoon. I lookforward to cooking, baking, reading, traveling, and having more time in my hands to write (I hope). Now, feelings and my abnormal heart: Can you give me the heart-thumping, over-excitement feeling already? Just so I’m prepared for our last day. Cheers, Carol Update: Was able to save myself from public humiliation by holding back my tears. Comforted myself with thoughts that they’ll be visiting soon and are bound to be fine while I’m away. 😉

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s